the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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