that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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