I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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