Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
