I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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