And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
