When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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