We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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