Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
