You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
