If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
