Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
