even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
So. Much. Porn.
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