K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My first STD was from a foam party
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
