I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
