I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
