She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I am mentally ready for anal.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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