she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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