He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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