Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
