I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
