You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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