Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
