Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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