got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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