Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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