would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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