I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
