My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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