I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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