i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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