you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
