I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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