I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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