I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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