Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
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