Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
