this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
