i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
