The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
