R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
