Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
