You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
