my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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