I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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