six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Success! We fucked roommates!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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