the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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