i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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