My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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