I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
