I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
