but the lizard people decide everything anyway
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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