I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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