haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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