she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
