When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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