I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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