Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
