I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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